my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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