I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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