i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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