the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
