you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
time to smoke my breakfast
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
