I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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