Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
