I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
