I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
All the doctor said was why
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
