Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
