He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
