i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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