I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
