I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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