Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
