Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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