since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My vagina is officially offended.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need mimosas to revive my soul
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
