So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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