i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
