I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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