I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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