Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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