He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
