New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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