Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
