so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
