I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
