You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
