I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
