i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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