drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
