you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
