Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
