I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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