after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
