Apparently you make a good broom.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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