did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
