yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
