Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
