The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
