I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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