Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
