my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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