If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
