Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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