I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
