I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
