Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
