you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
