just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
