Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
